The relationship between myself and my body has always been complicated, but never more so than now, when chronic illness symptoms trigger old feelings of resentment and disgust and avoidance, while at the same time I'm feeling a desire for experiences that necessitate being physically present. I'm forced to continue existing with/in a body whether I want to or not (I don't), and yesterday I was so tired of it all that I needed an outlet to keep from screaming, and this was that outlet. There are worse ones.
I am in my body
and it is a cage that has trapped me
I
a bird that has been caught
dirges the only songs I know to sing
I am in my body
and my body is humiliating
and humiliated
my ribs a punishment
for my punishing heart
I am in my body
and my joints are screaming their pain
a lament that could shake the earth apart
my bones unmothered
motherless children crying to be gentled
I am in my body
and I am thinking
what is the body
but a collection of traumas
the question an endless refrain on my lips
desperate to kiss a tattoo onto the skin
of someone who can still find
parts of me to want
I am in my body
and we are bare knuckle boxers in the ring
every night fighting for supremacy
over one another
split skin wounds bleeding rage and despair
into each other's eyes
forced open to see
who will go down first
I am in my body
and I am furious with my body
and I love my body
and I want to be loved in my body
I want to remake my body
into a vessel for pleasure
but
I am in my body
and it spits venom
tears and claws at the bounds of flesh
refuses to let me rest
until we are at peace
or in pieces
warns me that no one will ever love me like this
I am in my body
and we are not safe
and we are not free
and we are not whole
and we will never be
until we can unwind this carnal funeral shroud
until we can fly away, oh glory
until we are light on the water
and wind through the trees
and the corporeal curse is lifted
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